I can breathe the fresh air of freedom and liberty

Jocelyn Chung/ Chicago, U.S.A

Three months after my second daughter was born, I couldn’t stop worrying. Falling asleep was difficult and when I could finally fall asleep, I would wake up in the middle of the night, scared by my own uncontrollable thoughts. With the thoughts spinning in my head, I sweated while my body was shaking and my heart beat exceedingly fast.

I couldn’t eat and I lost all the weights I gained from pregnancy in just a month. Worse still, I couldn’t see my first daughter who was barely two years old then. For no obvious reason, I got mad at her constantly. I hated myself for rejecting her, but I couldn’t control myself. Seeing her tearing face, and hearing her saying, “mommy doesn’t love me anymore” completely broke my heart. We had so much loving time together before. But it seems like all the sudden, I changed into another person, a person that my daughter was scared of, a person that I myself no longer recognized.

What happened to me? Why would I change into such a horrible person? Who is the real me? What did I do that made me deserve such a horrible experience? Was I dreaming? I blamed everyone around me, particularly whom I claimed I loved the most, for possibly causing my problems. All those questions, all those thoughts, bunch of worries spinning inside my head. I felt like I was deeply trapped inside my mind and I desperately wanted to get out from it.

I turned to my mother, sister, husband, friends, doctors, counselors, and books for answers and medicines for relief. Nobody could answer my questions. While medicines gave me some relief, I was still struggling inside my mind, barely surviving. Those were the conditions I was in when I picked up the pamphlet introducing this meditation from a Korean restaurant. I had been to that restaurant many times before and those pamphlets had always been there. But they had never appealed to me until that night, that moment. I didn’t touch any foods on the table, but chewed every single word inside the pamphlet. After I finished reading it, I called the center to set up an appointment without any hesitation. The next night, I started my journey to find out the answers to all my questions, and come out from the minds that I was trapped in.

I have been practicing this meditation for almost 5 years now. By following the method, gradually, I found out the answers to all my questions. I have come to realize that all my problems were originated from my self-centered, selfish minds accumulated over the years. I had always thought that I was a positive, smart, and enthusiastic person. But as I threw away those accumulated minds, I have started to see myself more objectively and clearly from the viewpoint of the Universe. Deep down, I had a strong sense of inferiority. To cover that up, I studied hard, did good deeds, and pretended to be nice to my family, and friends. I always wanted to be the best and to be recognized. I was scared of people finding out how inferior I actually felt about myself. And after my daughters were born, I continued to impose my ways of disguise on them. I wanted them to be perfect in every single way, and I controlled them to the slightest details. Stresses built up exponentially and I eventually broke down.

As I emptied my minds, I realized that I had always been living inside my own mind world. There was not a single moment that I lived in the true world. I was just an illusion created inside my own mind world- a false world, a world that actually doesn’t exist. This method gave me the strength to clean up the mess that I created in my mind. Today, I can breathe the fresh air of freedom and liberty. I can face myself without the urge to disguise anymore and I can play with my daughters freely. My two daughters, who are now 7 and 5 years old, have started their journey to find out their true self too. Thank you.